Page 3

Nicholas Camarena

184.  What is the difference?

Nick was shown a meme that said "what is the difference between like and love?" The Meme gave Buddha's explanation of "When you like a flower you pluck it, when you love a flower you water it everyday".  Nick, however, gave his own response  that I thought deemed worthy.

When you like a flower you fuck it. When you love a flower you fuck it more.
     - Nicholas Octopus Camarena 

183.  The life and death of Nicholas Camarena

It's me Vs. Him. I want him to kill me if he wants me, but I will not bow down to him in a hospital bed like a bitch, begging, hoping he makes me better. I can't  breathe,  I am light headed, ontop of the physical  shit I feel with the crying everyday.  

He can stop the crying everyday which makes me feel like an old man everyday anyway. The way the brain burst open. Now, I feel I can't breathe right, I cant see, and I am light headed.  This is the perfect moment for any of my enemies to kill me,  and I feel they probably are and have been doing just that.  

If this is God's way to get me to regret how I treated my body these years, with vape, drinking, sex, over training. Then I will never lie to God and say I regreted any single moment of it. Because I don't.  

If its the devil trying to kill me, he can suck my dick while he's at it. Apparently the flavor was good. 

But in the end I feel this is Me vs. Him.  A showdown in which we already know who wins.  But I wont bow down any more than I already have. I will die in pain. He'll earn it. He wants me he can get me. I ain't running. And I ain't scared. And I dont need modern medicine to save me. Not in this War. 

The above was a text written by Nicholas to one of his friends. 

182. Never

"It used to be bums begged for money, these days they beg for likes and subscribes. "  

181.  Things change, people won't.  

People have mastered the ability to care but only half ass on one another. 

I'm glad they are all my enemies now -

and not my friends. 

I'd much rather not know what it feels like to use my heart but only half ways on something. 

fuck y'all. 

To the rest of my creatures of the black lagoon, to the rest of my octopuses,  I love y'all.  

October 2020

180.     Find a lady 

Gentlemen, your ladies are going to lie to you,

so the next time you're opening up the car door, 

just remember -

you're opening it up for another whore.  

Blessed be me that I am not a gentlemen. 

179.   End

I was born in the wrong time,

 I'm a warrior set to do battle -

 but all I see around is a bunch of bitches 

so, looks like the only true person that I'm going to kill - 

is if and when - I do myself in.

178.        Back tattoos 

joke - 
back tattoos-

are for people 

unwilling to look

at their "mistakes"
especially -

when its a name. 

177.  Okay - Where you at?

"Where you at?  I'm sorry for encouraging you every step of the way, my bad. 

Where you at? I'm sorry for saying Marissa's name when talking to you, after a long day of reminiscing being locked up with the crew, my bad. 

 Where you at?  I'm sorry for spending four hours with you,  in font of the joint, when we went to visit Mykayla, my bad. 

Where you at? I'm sorry that your husband tells you to pretend like he's me, just so you can enjoy sex better, my bad.  

Where you at? I'm sorry your mom thought I was going to ruin your Jewish heritage, my bad. 

Where you at? I'm sorry it took you long enough to meet me till a free tattoo was involved - once i mentioned a free tattoo all of a sudden you put your fears to bed and was over here faster than I could blink!  I wonder where you at? I'm sorry I didn't want to be your fuck budy because I didn't want you to do your boyfriend in that way,  my bad. 

Where you at? I'm sorry you never wanted to watch me train, not one day in your life, to show a half interest in something important and positive in my life, my bad.

Where you at? I'm sorry I never could use your advice, because you never really gave me none.

Where you at? I'm sorry I spent time talking with you -  watching things you wanted to - when all I wanted to be was with your mom, my bad. 

 Where you at? I'm sorry I tried to talk you out of getting a swastika tattoo - I wonder if you still go swimming at that apartment - you sure sucked my dick a lot I know that. My bad. 

 Where you at? I'm sorry I have feelings that needed nourishment too, my bad, especially after my mom just past, my fault. You're welcome for me helping you through yours though. 

Last but not not least - Where you at? 

When all this was going on?  When I fried my brain. If I see you - I'll ask you where were you?  were you watching and laughing at me? Were you watching and crying? or WTF? 

Every time I looked I thought I saw you awake the whole time - 

but who can be sure?

you could of been dead with your eyes wide open. "

May 27 2020

176.  My      d e a t h 

"People who knew me, I mean, really knew me, the omen is on you, what did I mean? 

Only you know -  the stories will be interesting, i'm sure,

 I wont be around to hear them, but the very least you can do is give me some fuckin' credit. Whoops, my bad, 

I pity those who will have to defend me and get a few others to believe you that I was actually nice most times 

good luck getting everyone to believe that

However - maybe with enough stories coming out from different people

they may actually have no fuckin' choice but to believe it. 

assholes". 

May 27 2020

175.   I'll be your toilet paper 👍🖕👌

"Sometimes I feel that the good Lord had made me a waste of time,

 and I did it to the upmost of my ability with the help of most of my ''friends''. 

Only few new better, but, by that time it was too late. 

I was already toilet paper to pieces of shit. 

 hey -  that's our Father for you, 

always playing silly games. 

 let's not get it twisted-

 cause the devil is still a bitch

and I still love God and  Christ.

 I'm just not sure i'm happy being their toilet paper for everyone else's shit.

Ah well - there's a plan for us all. "
May 27 2020 

174.   Dogs

"People think dogs are loyal because they love their owner, 

truth is 

dogs love their food, 

and the reason why they get so defensive over anyone who comes near the owner, 

is because they know if something happens to the owner - 

who the fuck is going to feed them? grrrrrrr"

May 27th 2020

173

"There are three kids that I helped raise on this planet who know what I meant to this earth, 

if you want to know the truth, 

ask them, 

everyone else was too busy to notice or care what I meant to (their) World 

So, pardon me, but forget y'all too. 

Beg my pardon.  

assholes."
2:27 am May 27 2020

172

"Nick, the perfect antihero"

let's get something clear and straight right now, while I have the motion to write, and am not yet in hell,

if I did something for you, consider yourself lucky,  

the last I checked, I dont owe anyone a god damn fucking thing, 

if I do for you, know I do it out of love and only love,

if I've done for your family, know that it's out of love, and only love,

because I deal with a small crowd, if you are part of it, chances are I've done things for you aloud, 

i fucked up alot, and will sadly continue to do so. but i tried to learn evertime and correct it. see im not like these idiots who think they do no wrong just because they doing what they want, that's all in contexts, 

however, I'm willing to admit it if it's dealing with family and by very least if it's dealing with kids,

but with that said I've still tried my best and never ran from what the lord put infront of me,

my parents, bless them both, because they taught me what loyalty looks like, and how they have your back if you earn their trust,

you get trusted by doing for others more than yourself and it's not letting yourself get run in that process either,  

because I care about those who I feel deserve it, never been afraid to show it, 

however, if you decide to make the stupid mistake in taking my kindness for weakness, then hear this,

I can be the kindest human being to you, or  I could be a fuckin twisted nightmare,

this is how I am different from my parents, the nice version of me is what took work to achieve, and I'll give you that side till death if you never fuck with my shit,

but once you do, the real nick comes out, the do dirt mother fucker, and I'm always ready, there is no warm up period when my brain goes there, 

so, hear this, because the funny and kind nick, will soon be a mother fucker you'll miss,

there is no reason to ever turn yourself an enemy to me unless I did you wrong first, then fine I deserved it, but if I'm showing you love,  and you don't appreciate it and try to get me twisted than please note,

I'm not a perfect person and we all make mistakes, I'm willing to forgive faster and more than anyone I know anyway,

 but keep trying my shit and there will soon come a day,  

a day you realize that working against me and not with me  for no reason wasn't the smartest moves to play,

especially when you think back on all the shit that was done for you,

this is a shout out to anyone, and everyone

it could be a brother, a friend, a nephew, or a stranger bum bitch I just meet on the street, 

I'm a reasonable person, if you have reason, I'm a forgivng person, if you say my bad, I'm a forgiving person if you learn from your mistakes, and I'm willing to leave it in past tense - if it makes sense, I also won't be the only one putting up work,  and I need to see you active through the conversation too, 

however,

if I do something for you all that is required is a thank you,

but don't get use to it and dont take my willingness to help for granted, because trust me mother fuckers there's a lot of people out there who can tell you what it feels like to have gotten it twisted,

like a antihero I wear the x on my chest with pride,

my heart is not something I give freely from with inside,

my love is the only thing I can give sometimes, so when you spit on it, well...just don't.... is my advice...

like all antiheroes,
treat us as we deserve today, 

or 

we may end up treating you as you deserve tomorrow.

May 5th 2020

171

Fuck your crowds - I was coronavirus ready for a while!

I been cutting my own hair since I was fourteen,

 never liked crowds, 

never liked crowded stores or crowds in general, 

fuck your concerts, 

when I shopped I always kept my distance from people and was never that fool that cramped over someone to reach for a product, and if I did, I at least said excuse me,

 I  preferred to watch sporting events in the comfort of my own closed doors.

  Fuck the beaches too.

 Fuck going inside the fast-food chain, i'd rather do the drive through. 

I made my own tattoos as well.

I suppose I also made my own entertainment also. 

 I always washed my hands and the idea of staying clean away from germs if you could was never lost on me. Though, I  still consider myself a dirty mother fucker.

 I been doing this shit for- twenty years.

 It took people living my life for less than a month to blow their lid and they couldn't take it! hahahahahahaha 

Perhaps, I was more mentally stronger than I had given myself credit for. 

 Nah, i'm just crazy enough to like it better this way. 

 Matter of fact (besides people getting sick and dying and no school and the rest of the bit) the only thing I didn't like about the Corona way of life was that it hit just when I was fresh out of bitches to fuck -

and the ones that wanted to (for the most part) I couldn't trust anyway. 

So, I'd rather be alone in that aspect. 

 However, if i had someone I could trust, and government told us to stay indoors? 

Shit, this new way of life would of been heaven on earth.  

May 5th 2020

use

170
Used by God for other's needs, was never a flattering feeling. In fact, it only got harder and harder. What a way to die. under everyone elses happiness. Would of been nice to find at least one mother fucker who could put my imperfections to the side and treat me as a person and not a servant for them. But then again, the Lord doesn't make mistakes does he? I just hope that when I fire in my head, that the devil or God aren't too insulted about me no longer moving as they both fight to try to stick it deep in my ass. " April 28th 20

April 28th 2020.

1. 6. 9.

The human condition is in a fuzzy state- when a spirit it has never locked eyes on, shall, and remain, the only thing that human trust to have their back.

We are not here for anyone, I am learning the game late, and I am already bored of it. For some, as I'm sure, an exit from the game so soon - still felt too late. Once they realized entertaining themselves, was no longer worth the price of their own ticket.

Poem 167:

 Neither love or hate

neither love or hate, stack up to the ability to simply care. Love you can fake, hate you can fake, but the true ability to care, is the one true thing that separates a human being from one another. This can not be faked. Once you lose the sense to care, you are willing to walk away gladly, as your best friend who couldn't swim, fell into a river, crying for your help.

jan 2020

poem 166

Toxic

my mom, she saw me in so much distraught, when i was being treated like a dog waiting for it's owner to come back, she preached God's name, to try to figure a way to help me, it didn't work, in 10 years living with her i always asked if she needed help, i built things for her to give her life luxury, asked her if she wanted to go to the spa, i was her rock,  and friend, and she was my only friend at the time i could talk to about things, she trusted me she loved me, she tried to help me, but for two months she saw me in dispair, her rock was a weak, crying, sad person, and that morning i cried but didnt sleep, then she was getting coffee and i said a mean joke, something i normally would never do....then i went to sleep only to wake up an hour later to watch her die and take her last breath.  i will never forgive  myself for not being strong enough, for letting a woman make me feel weak and for bringing her in my relationship issue. and i will never forgive myself for what i said. i cry every night in discust of myself and its caused me to lose everyone who said they loved me and i deserve it. because i have turned toxic.  

Jan 2020

poem 165

The real one

Who ever reads this,

 just know, 

I loved the real one, with all my heart.  

Shall we all remember her, 

through the blur, the one with the heart, 

before she was fooled to think  that every aspect of her life needed a fresh start.  

Jan 2020